I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
