True but thats because hes a fetus.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
