So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
