I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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