You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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