dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
