you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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