I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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