I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
