listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
