you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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