I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
