First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
