Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
