just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
