can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize