Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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