it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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