when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
