My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
