If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She needs sedatives and a leash
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
