I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
