Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
