You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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