You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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