Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
