I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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