There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
