do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
