i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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