So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize