I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
