wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
