He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
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At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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