you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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