im drinking this country out of the recession.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
