Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
where are you?
Hypothermia
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
