i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
