I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
