I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
