I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
