mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
