I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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