I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
