I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
