you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
