mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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