I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
