my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
