I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
