Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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