I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
