new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
