I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
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There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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