I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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