so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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